If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

Jokes compiled over years of emails I have received from loving family, friends and clients.

Two guys are out in the woods hiking when a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his backpack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? The first guy says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you!

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Tell these to your aerobics instructor during class so she'll give you a break... or make things worse for you.. . Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
Someone on the other side could still walk.

How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony?
Unemployed.

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.

Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
1 cup skim milk
Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
8 oz. Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner
Loaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

Rules For Dieting
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

Want more jokes ?

blah blah... more to come :)

Enjoy walking, breathing and living life!

Laugh and Smile often.